Conquering Self-Doubt: A Step-by-Step Guide to Boosting Your Confidence
It's easy to get side-tracked by self-doubt, both in our professional life and personal life. Self-doubt undermines our confidence, wastes our time, drains our energy, limits our potential, and prevents us from achieving our goals. How can we overcome it and boost our confidence? In this post, we look at the role of mind reading in self-doubt and what we can do about it.
I still remember when I bought my first new car, rather late in my life because I lived in a big city. I recall it so clearly because I spent hours unable to make a decision, mired in self-doubt, paralyzed, like that proverbial rabbit in the headlights. I still feel sorry for the poor sales person. I took way too much of his time. And in my quest for understanding how to get the most out of life, overcoming self-doubt is right up on the top of the list.
If you are ever second-guessing your decisions or questioning your abilities and worthiness, this post will give you insight on how to win this constant internal battle so you can reclaim some time, make quicker decisions, grab those opportunities, increase productivity, and feel more satisfied. How does that sound?
Identifying Self-Doubt
Where does self-doubt come from? Unpleasant past events or attachment-style issues can significantly contribute to self-doubt. Negative feedback from influential figures, such as parents or teachers, can instill a sense of insecurity and lack of confidence in one's abilities.
Instead of focusing on the why, let's look at the signals of self-doubt in the present. It shows up as fear of failure, comparing ourselves to others, negative self-talk, limiting beliefs and a whole host of cognitive distortions, such as overgeneralization, polarized thinking, and self-blame, all of which skew our perception.
Let's get practical and focus on one of those biases—the mind-reading fallacy—that I see frequently in my coaching clients who struggle with self-doubt.
The Mind-Reading Trap
As humans, we possess a natural inclination to believe that we have an uncanny ability to read minds and discern what others are thinking or feeling. Often referred to as the mind reading fallacy or mentalist bias, this psychological bias has far-reaching implications in our daily lives, affecting our relationships, decision-making processes, and overall understanding of the world around us.
Mind reading is particularly insidious. Therapist and bestselling author Mike Dow explains that human beings are hard-wired to attend to social cues and care about what others think of them, which can lead to consistently wrong guesses about what others think. This is due to the "negativity bias" associated with mind reading, where people tend to think things are worse than is justified by the evidence.
So, we jump to conclusions. A few sideways glances at a new outfit makes us think a friend disapproves. A delayed reply to an invitation means someone doesn't want to attend. In reality, these assumptions are usually wrong. People's words and actions often have nothing to do with us. But when we believe our biased interpretations, we can spiral into unnecessary self-criticism.
This tendency to jump to negative conclusions about others' thoughts can stem from feelings of self-doubt. In turn, the mind-reading continues to fuel self-doubting thoughts. Essentially, self-doubt lays the foundation for negative mind-reading, while the mind-reading continues to validate and solidify the self-doubts.
Escaping the Fallacy
How do we break the cycle? Here are some steps to boost your confidence:
Recognize your mind-reading tendencies. Catch yourself when the self-doubt creeps in and ask: Am I just assuming I know what someone else thinks? Am I jumping to conclusions based on limited information? This self-awareness can short-circuit irrational beliefs. Instead of engaging with the thought, practice labeling the process present in your thinking as an opinion, not necessarily a fact.
Journal about social interactions and look for patterns of mind-reading interpretations. Identify triggers like feelings of insecurity.
Examine the evidence for and against. Pay attention to absolute statements and assumptions and ask what concrete evidence makes you so certain.
Rate the degree of belief and emotion. Assess the intensity of your belief and the emotions associated with it. This can help in challenging the accuracy of mind reading.
Conduct a cost-benefit analysis. Evaluate whether mind reading gives you valuable information or if it helps prevent something bad from happening. This analysis can assist in challenging the validity of mind reading.
Test your assumed mind-reading by communicating directly with the person or seeking objective information that confirms or disproves your interpretation of their thinking. In other words, act counter to the thought. If you feel like avoiding eye contact, approach the other person and introduce yourself. Ask what they are thinking and feeling. Doing so, you can gain a more accurate understanding of the other person's perspective.
Look for positive interpretations. Are there more positive interpretations that could also fit the facts? Actively restructuring our thinking in this way builds self-confidence over time. Notice negative self-talk and challenge irrational or unrealistic thoughts. Reframe setbacks objectively.
Zero in on your own thoughts and behaviors rather than trying to analyze others' inner mental state, since you can't truly know their thinking.
Overcoming Self-doubt
The path to overcoming self-doubt starts with awareness and questioning our inner thoughts, which are often not grounded in reality. We assume we know what others are thinking about us, but the truth is we can't read minds. When we make a conscious effort to stop the habit of negative mind reading, we open up space to appreciate our skills, believe in our abilities, and take steps towards our biggest goals.
If self-doubt is getting in your way at work or at home, I encourage you to explore how coaching can help. An expert coach can give you the tools to recognize distorted thinking patterns and replace self-doubt with self-confidence. Coaching allows for personalized support as you practice new thought habits that will transform self-limiting beliefs into fuel for your personal and professional growth.
If you resonated with this post and want to go deeper in cultivating self-confidence, I invite you to schedule a free strategy call with me. Together we'll create a customized plan to help you overcome self-doubt and unlock your potential. The first step towards growth starts with you! I look forward to supporting your journey!