How to Rally Your Inner Critic to Your Side
As much as self-talk can be useful, how often is it just destructive? How often do we say things to ourselves that we’d never say to anyone else? What if it were possibly to get that inner critic playing on your side?
We all talk to ourselves. Abstract thought, metacognition, memory, and executive function all rely on inner chitchat in one way or another. Did you know that you even perform better when you talk to yourself in the second person—saying “you” instead of “I”?
Of course, that depends what you say in your self-talk. “You’re a dumb#*s” comes from the wrong place. Who would say that? Oh, yeah, me to me, about three minutes ago when I did something not so useful.
The infamous inner critic plays a big role in tearing down our confidence and self-esteem all under the guise of “pushing” us to do better. You may call it tough love, but honestly, it borders on harassment.
No wonder from the University of California found that many people would rather give themselves an electric shock than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes.
What’s the Point of All This Self-talk?
Our inner chatter serves a number of purposes, from self-reinforcement, self-management, social assessment, and the dreaded self-criticism.
Why are we always talking to ourselves? Potentially, it’s all about communication with oneself as a means of negotiating commitments.
Stop Negative Self-talk
For whatever reason we do it, the truth remains that negative inner speech impairs performance, while positive “intra-personal dialogue” improves it. In fact, self-criticism produces more noticeable negative changes in the brain than the positive changes of self-respect. Which means its more important to stop the cutting yourself down than it is to be layering on positive affirmations.
As Psychology Today writes, “The more you talk yourself down, second-guess yourself, and see changes as calamitous, the less free your mind will be to roam through creative solutions of the problems that you face. Others will question you too, wondering whether you’re really up to the challenges in your life. These outcomes will only further cause you to doubt yourself, leading to a negative, downward spiral.”
Friendly Self-talk
I’ve taken to having a running dialogue with my inner critic. Based on the precept that she doesn't really want to harm me, but acts as a rather immature protector—for most people, the inner critic shows up at or before the age of six. So I pause, take a breath and have a chat. “What do you want me to know?” I ask.
When we (my Inner Critic and I) don’t end up just laughing it off, I dig into deeper feelings such as anxiety, anger, disappointment, shame. Perhaps she’s just reminding me that emotional intelligence is about embracing all emotions and I can’t just shrug them off, but I need to own the feelings.
In any case, I acknowledge her, and on a good day, thank her for keeping an eye on me.
We’ll always have an inner critic. My strategy is to ally with her.
Hacking Your Self-talk
The best hack I ever found for dealing with my inner critic comes from Jim Kwik’s book Limitless:
Change the voice of your inner critic to that of a cartoon chipmunk